Things Not To Do after a Breakup

If you’re reading this, I’m going to assume it still feels a bit raw. I’ve been there — that weird mix of emptiness, adrenaline, and “Surely this can’t be real.” After a breakup, your brain starts looking for quick fixes. It wants certainty. It wants relief. It wants to feel chosen again.

The problem is: the first few weeks are when you’re most likely to do things that make you feel worse, prolong the healing, or quietly torch your confidence.

So here’s my straight, common-sense list of things not to do after a breakup — written like I’d say it to a mate, because that’s the energy you need right now.

1) Don’t beg, bargain, or “negotiate” your way back in

When you’re hurting, it’s tempting to plead your case like you’re in court: “I can change. I’ll do better. Just give me another chance.” I get it. I’ve sent the paragraph. I’ve done the late-night voice note. It rarely lands how you imagine.

Begging doesn’t create attraction or clarity. It usually creates discomfort, distance, or pity — and none of those help you.

What to do instead: say one clean thing (if you must), then step back. Something simple and calm beats a novel. That’s calibrated.

2) Don’t turn your phone into a pain machine

After a breakup, your phone becomes a slot machine: refresh, check, scroll, search. You stare at their “last seen”, their stories, their likes, their new followers — and every tiny detail feels like a punch.

This is one of the fastest ways to keep the wound open.

What to do instead: mute, unfollow, or block for a while. Not as a tantrum — as a boundary. You’re not “being dramatic”. You’re being practical.

3) Don’t send “closure” messages that are really just fishing

A lot of “closure” texts are actually disguised hope: “I just want to understand…” (Translation: Please tell me you still care.)

It’s normal to want answers. But if they were going to give you the kind of closure that sets you free, they probably would have already.

What to do instead: write the message in Notes. Say it all. Then don’t send it. That alone can lower the pressure in your chest.

4) Don’t do the post-breakup personality transplant

New haircut. New wardrobe. New tattoo. New hobby. New identity. Some changes are great — but if you’re doing it to prove a point or to get a reaction, you’ll feel hollow when the high fades.

I’ve watched guys rebuild their whole life around the idea of being “seen” by the ex. That’s a trap.

What to do instead: upgrade, but for you. Pick changes that you’ll still be proud of in six months, even if they never hear about it.

5) Don’t make them the main character of your day

Replaying conversations. Reconstructing timelines. Analysing tone. Asking mates what they think each message “meant”. It feels productive, but it’s just mental spinning.

You can spend a month trying to decode a breakup like it’s a puzzle, only to realise the answer was simple: it ended.

What to do instead: give yourself a “thinking window” (say 15 minutes), then do something physical. Walk, gym, clean the flat, cook. Motion helps.

6) Don’t chase a rebound just to numb the silence

I’m not anti-dating. I’m anti-using another person as anaesthetic.

If you jump straight into someone else to avoid feeling the loss, the breakup doesn’t disappear — it just waits behind the curtain. And it tends to show up later at the worst times.

What to do instead: ask yourself one honest question: Am I actually ready to meet someone, or am I trying not to feel lonely tonight? That answer will save you hassle.

7) Don’t try to “win” the breakup publicly

Posting gym selfies with captions that scream “I’m thriving.” Uploading nights out purely for optics. Tagging locations. Making sure they see you’ve “moved on”.

I get the urge. But living for the scoreboard keeps you emotionally tied to them.

What to do instead: move in silence for a bit. Let the results speak. Quiet confidence hits harder than performance.

8) Don’t turn your mates into your full-time emotional support team

Your friends care — but if every meet-up becomes a post-mortem, you’ll start feeling like the “broken one” in the group. Plus, you’ll burn them out without meaning to.

What to do instead: pick one or two trusted people for the deeper chats, and balance it with normal life stuff: football, films, food, trips, anything that reminds you you’re still you.

9) Don’t use alcohol, weed, or “lads nights” as your main coping plan

A drink can take the edge off. A week of drinking to forget usually makes the mornings brutal. Hangxiety has a way of magnifying everything you’re trying to escape.

What to do instead: keep your coping calibrated. If you’re going out, set a limit before you start. Drink water. Get home at a sane time. Future you will thank you.

10) Don’t stalk their life through mutual friends

“Has she said anything?”
“Is he seeing anyone?”
“Did she look happy?”
“Where did they go last weekend?”

It’s natural curiosity, but it keeps you hooked. And it often creates stories in your head that you treat as facts.

What to do instead: tell mutuals you’re taking space from updates. If they’re decent people, they’ll get it.

11) Don’t try to stay “best mates” straight away

Sometimes people genuinely become friends after a breakup. But immediately trying to keep that closeness usually keeps you emotionally tethered, while pretending you’re fine.

If you still have feelings, friendship can become a slow bleed.

What to do instead: space first, friendship later (maybe). Give your nervous system time to settle.

12) Don’t use anger as your only fuel

Rage can feel powerful. It can also become an identity: “She did me dirty, so now I’m cold.” If you build a whole persona out of bitterness, you’ll end up guarding yourself from the next good thing too.

What to do instead: let anger be a phase, not a home. Use it to take action (gym, goals, structure), then let it burn out naturally.

13) Don’t chase “one last chat” at 1am

Late nights make you brave and stupid at the same time. You miss them, your defences drop, and suddenly you’re thinking, “Maybe I’ll just call.”

I’ve never woken up glad I did a 1am check-in.

What to do instead: have a rule: no contact after a certain hour. If you’re tempted, put the phone in another room and do something that occupies your hands.

14) Don’t ignore the boring basics

After a breakup, you might stop eating properly, sleep badly, skip the gym, stop tidying, stop getting sunlight. Then you wonder why you feel worse.

Your mood is massively tied to basic maintenance.

What to do instead: treat yourself like a project:

• Sleep routine (even if imperfect)

• Protein + water

• Daily walk

• Two decent meals

• Clean bed sheets

• One social plan per week

It sounds dull, but it works.

15) Don’t make huge life decisions while you’re emotionally fried

Quitting your job, moving city, selling your car, starting a business, getting a massive tattoo of a wolf (you know the type). Big changes can be good — but not when they’re a reaction to pain.

What to do instead: give major decisions a “30-day rule”. You can plan and research, but you don’t pull the trigger until you’re steady.

16) Don’t romanticise the relationship into a fantasy

Your mind will highlight the best bits and crop out the stress, the miscommunication, the anxiety, the constant second-guessing. It turns the past into a highlight reel.

What to do instead: write an honest list of what didn’t work. Not to hate them — to stay grounded when nostalgia kicks in.

17) Don’t talk badly about them everywhere you go

Venting once is normal. Turning every conversation into a character assassination makes you look rattled — and it keeps you stuck.

What to do instead: keep it classy. You don’t need to protect them; you just protect your own frame. That’s common sense.

18) Don’t treat healing like a straight line

Some days you’ll feel fine. Then you’ll see a photo, smell a familiar aftershave, hear a song, and you’re back at day one. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.

What to do instead: measure progress in weeks, not hours. Healing is more like the tide than a staircase.

And here’s the bit most guys don’t want to hear: breakup silence can feel like punishment, but it’s often the quickest way to get your head back. When you stop reaching, stop checking, and stop trying to control the narrative, your nervous system finally gets a chance to settle.

Also, if you’re beating yourself up because you feel all over the place, remember the stages of a breakup aren’t neat or predictable — you can feel calm one day, furious the next, then nostalgic out of nowhere. That swing doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it just means you’re processing it.

If you want to recover from a breakup faster, this is the simplest rule I’ve learned: don’t add new damage while you’re already hurting. Keep your decisions calm, your habits solid, and your pride intact.

What I would do instead (a simple plan)

If you want something practical, here’s a calm, realistic approach:

1. Create space (at least a few weeks of no contact)

2. Remove triggers (mute, unfollow, stop checking)

3. Build structure (sleep, food, movement, work focus)

4. Talk it out (one or two trusted people, not everyone)

5. Do one confidence action daily (gym, learning, tidying, admin)

6. Re-enter dating slowly (when you’re not trying to fill a hole)

None of this is glamorous. It’s just effective.

Final thought

After a breakup, your emotions will try to drive the car. My experience is you do best when you let feelings exist — but you make decisions with a clear head. That’s the whole game: be honest about the pain, and still stay calibrated in what you do next.

You don’t need to “be fine” instantly. You just need to stop doing the things that keep you stuck.